Saturday, 27 May 2017

My struggles (Not the book by Hitler or Karl Ove Knausgård)

I'm already struggling on getting started on writing this post. Before this, I'm also struggling to get many of my homework done. But ultimately it all boils down to me having major difficulties in getting things done in general.

Yet despite knowing this crystal clear fact that I didn't get things done, I continued on my daily routine. 

Constantly checking for new subscription videos or videos on topics that catch my attention to watch. 
Constantly checking for new cats on my Neko Atsume app. 
Constantly popping by my Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Links app. 
Constantly checking my Instagram to stalk babies or looking out for one or two Yu-Gi-Oh!(only the classic) related post.

And today, I decided to pass up an opportunity to experience a tour of a historical Pasar Malam(Singaporean or Malaysian term for night market, AKA flea market), the Sungei Road Thieves Market, just so to have time to get my homework done.
Also, there is an Army Open House that popped up after a five-year hiatus and was debating in my head whether to attend this event or church and art lessons that I had been kind of neglecting.

And yet instead, I did my daily routine as stated above. 
I also did not finish my homework.

*facepalm in despair*

During my routine involving youtube, I had been binge watching Try Living With Lucie by Refinery29 and a thought came to my mind. 
Here I am, a 22-year-old woman who's still in school, an entry level pre-college/Polytechnic school, watching another woman called Lucy Fink, who is a mere 3 years her senior, exploring something new in 5 days which also happens to be part of her job so she did get some salary out of it.

And this 22-year-old is sitting on her desk, watching her youtube videos, archived nothing, explored nothing, and she's probably wasted money thanks to her hungry stomach, save for the last min house chore completed. 

While Lucy Fink explored something new, exercised her creative expression through her projects and managed to achieve a steady stream of income along the way, I had achieved the complete opposite.

*Staring at my mirror, reflecting on my entire life in despair*

Awfully depressing as a mere three weeks ago I blogged about how I wanted to change for the better. From where I am now, I am very, very far away from being the person I wanted to be. 

Besides feeling unmotivated overall to get actual work done in general, thoughts on getting a part time job has been plaguing my head. Living on SGD $50 hasn't been easy as I usually ended up spending it all on food thanks to my ever growling stomach. It was especially frustrating when one of my goals is to lose some weight.

Besides having to spend money on food, I would really like to have some money to be put into other uses.
Like purchasing some cameras as my phone is breaking down, and I really wanted to sign up for photography workshops to learn how to take some really great pictures and film a nice video.
And learn how to design and sew my own clothes after looking at so many trendy outfits and having some ideas in my head on what I would want to wear.
I would want to get a web designer to design this blog template with a certain custom feature that I really wanted for this blog.
Finally, I would also need some money to pay my art teacher after my paid lessons ran out.
And also have some leftover money to save for the future, all without having to burden my parents who were already working their asses off to ensure that the family gets fed.

This money issue wouldn't have to be so tricky if my school wasn't an hour and a half from my home. Also adding in the factor of not having a healthy sleep schedule and most importantly, having actual skills in Time Management, setting priorities and getting work done.

Damn is this all back to the problem of announcing your new year's resolution, only to end up fulfilling none of it. Yet the only good thing about this current fiasco is that it helped me in blocking out depressive thoughts of my own mortality.

I definitely need to get some sort of act together here, or else I'm seriously getting nowhere here. Finishing up homework, getting started on the library books I had borrowed, and maybe talk to a counsellor on advice on getting a part time job. 

And maybe check out Karl Ove Knausgård's My Struggles memoir series.

To those who happened to stumble upon this blog, I do apologize that you have to read what's essentially a long-winded essay about my life problems. 

I was hoping to be able to document anything including anything, including tough topics that are in my head. And to be able to get it out of my system, look back at it and reflect upon it.

So if you made it this far in reading this long-winded blog post, here's something I had been working on for my blog profile, as long as I had figured out how to add it in.

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