My struggles (Not the book by Hitler or Karl Ove Knausgård)

I'm already struggling on getting started on writing this post. Before this, I'm also struggling to get many of my homework done. But ultimately it all boils down to me having major difficulties in getting things done in general.

Yet despite knowing this crystal clear fact that I didn't get things done, I continued on my daily routine. 

Constantly checking for new subscription videos or videos on topics that catch my attention to watch. 

Constantly checking for new cats on my Neko Atsume app. 

Constantly popping by my Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Links app. 

Constantly checking my Instagram to stalk babies or looking out for one or two Yu-Gi-Oh!(only the classic) related post.

And today, I decided to pass up an opportunity to experience a tour of a historical Pasar Malam(Singaporean or Malaysian term for night market, AKA flea market), the Sungei Road Thieves Market, just so to have time to get my homework done.

Also, there is an Army Open House that popped up after a five-year hiatus and was debating in my head whether to attend this event or church and art lessons that I had been kind of neglecting.

And yet instead, I did my daily routine as stated above. 

I also did not finish my homework.

*facepalm in despair*

During my routine involving youtube, I had been binge watching Try Living With Lucie by Refinery29 and a thought came to my mind. 

Here I am, a 22-year-old woman who's still in school, an entry level pre-college/Polytechnic school, watching another woman called Lucy Fink, who is a mere 3 years her senior, exploring something new in 5 days which also happens to be part of her job so she did get some salary out of it.

And this 22-year-old is sitting on her desk, watching her youtube videos, archived nothing, explored nothing, and she's probably wasted money thanks to her hungry stomach, save for the last min house chore completed. 

While Lucy Fink explored something new, exercised her creative expression through her projects and managed to achieve a steady stream of income along the way, I had achieved the complete opposite.

*Staring at my mirror, reflecting on my entire life in despair*

Awfully depressing as a mere three weeks ago I blogged about how I wanted to change for the better. From where I am now, I am very, very far away from being the person I wanted to be. 

Besides feeling unmotivated overall to get actual work done in general, thoughts on getting a part time job has been plaguing my head. Living on SGD $50 hasn't been easy as I usually ended up spending it all on food thanks to my ever growling stomach. It was especially frustrating when one of my goals is to lose some weight.

Besides having to spend money on food, I would really like to have some money to be put into other uses.

Like purchasing some cameras as my phone is breaking down, and I really wanted to sign up for photography workshops to learn how to take some really great pictures and film a nice video.

And learn how to design and sew my own clothes after looking at so many trendy outfits and having some ideas in my head on what I would want to wear.

I would want to get a web designer to design this blog template with a certain custom feature that I really wanted for this blog.

Finally, I would also need some money to pay my art teacher after my paid lessons ran out.

And also have some leftover money to save for the future, all without having to burden my parents who were already working their asses off to ensure that the family gets fed.

This money issue wouldn't have to be so tricky if my school wasn't an hour and a half from my home. Also adding in the factor of not having a healthy sleep schedule and most importantly, having actual skills in Time Management, setting priorities and getting work done.

Damn is this all back to the problem of announcing your new year's resolution, only to end up fulfilling none of it. Yet the only good thing about this current fiasco is that it helped me in blocking out depressive thoughts of my own mortality.

I definitely need to get some sort of act together here, or else I'm seriously getting nowhere here. Finishing up homework, getting started on the library books I had borrowed, and maybe talk to a counsellor on advice on getting a part time job. 

And maybe check out Karl Ove Knausgård's My Struggles memoir series.

To those who happened to stumble upon this blog, I do apologize that you have to read what's essentially a long-winded essay about my life problems. 

I was hoping to be able to document anything including anything, including tough topics that are in my head. And to be able to get it out of my system, look back at it and reflect upon it.

So if you made it this far in reading this long-winded blog post, here's something I had been working on for my blog profile, as long as I had figured out how to add it in.

Dear Diary : Today's my class celebrates the school's 25 anniversary.

In the spirit of nurturing a blogging/writing habit, I decided I would document what happened on this day. A nice touch that today there is something special going on at my school instead of the usual class.

Today just so happened to be the 25th anniversary of my school. To celebrate this milestone occasion, someone in the head department decided that the students build a structure out of recycled materials. 

Maybe it can be exciting if it was more like a competition, where a theme is given on the day and create the structure on the spot, with a 1&1/2 hour time limit and the materials we had collected. Because all the classes of my school info com technology department(the department I'm studying at) had already been working on the structure for weeks. 

My teacher appeared beside me and asked if I understood the message or meaning behind the model.

I replied: "Nope."

She replied: "Well, the meaning behind this work is that the school has been traveling around the world to learn new technologies and trends from other countries, as well as engaging them through community service, represented by the flags made of ice cream sticks. And also how there were countries who visited us to learn more about our vocational training methods so that they can apply it to their own country. So essentially to showcase the school connection with the world "

"So what's with making the model out of recycled materials?"

"Well, the school didn't want the students to purchase materials for the project, opting to use any recyclable materials they might have at hand. Also, it is a good opportunity to exercise the 3Rs."

"So what happens to the model after this competition."

"We'll place the model on showcase for a year, and after that, we can take the materials from the models for other uses."

The Other Uses most likely being materials for the Pulau Semakau Landfill after a year ends. I had always felt iffy about school projects having students use recycled materials to create a model when the model most likely ended up back to the trash. 

The 3Rs: Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle. 

Reduce? Didn't think so, since I know for sure the ice cream sticks, boards and the Kit Kat boxes are bought, and I did eat some of the Kit Kats for sure.

Reuse? Okay maybe that, since I had donated a huge heap of plastic bottles I'm too lazy to discard and some glue sticks I hardly use after art school.

Recycle? Hell no. It's essentially just a bunch of junk all cut up and clobbered together to form another junk that is most likely find it's way back to the trash.

Back to the point, as a result of having prepared the structure firsthand, there is a huge portion of the class left with absolutely nothing to do. Hence I managed to sneak off to take a look another event that's happening on the campus that caught my interest.

Instead, I found this:

Here's a closer look:

I saw only buffets begin prepared for those invited to the event, and from the looks of it, I most likely uninvited for it. I ended up having to spend the most time playing Duel Links and preparing this blog post.

And as part of preparing this blog post, I took pictures of models made by other class as well:

The model competition passed by quickly while I was doing my stuff, and so there was some award ceremony. I'm quite sure that all the prizes are all titbits. But the Good Thing that came after:

Free All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Lunch!XD

There is nothing that can easily get better than being able to fill your stomach with whatever amount of food for free.
Except maybe get to check out a classic film screening my CCA organized after 2&1/2 hours after lunch.

That is if they got the original Japanese dub with English subtitles instead of the dub version. I have quite a strong feelings about dubbed version as they have a tendency to screw around with the original dialogues to make it sound better for the English speaking audience without any regard for its context. 

So if you might think of me as a prick when I left for home after this revelation, allow me to explain that I do not feel that it's worth waiting more than 2 hours watching a potentially butchered version of the original classic. Especially when it's my first time watching it, I don't want to experience an altered version.

Despite today's event, now that I'm back home to reflect on it, 25 years for a school that is associated with notoriety for having students who didn't do well in mainstream exams is indeed quite an achievement. 

Over these 25 years, they gained recognition locally and overseas, have facilities such as swimming pool(Do not argue with me how insignificant that was. Having swimming pool and a place to shower in a campus is GodSend.), and have developed alumni's who went on to attend university themselves.
Hell, before I attended ITE College Central, I went for Digipen Singapore's student shadow program, and one of the students I met was an alumni from ITE.

I would sum up the day ith 3 portions: Boredom, Something Nice and Heavily Disappointed.

Something Nice is still good though, there's free lunch and I managed to bring some tau suan, that apparently nobody wanted since there is so much of it being leftovers, back home for my grandfather. And tau suan just so happens to be his favorite desert.

So here's to many more years to come for the school. Just hope that future anniversary celebrations are better than today.

One simple post, a huge leap for my new beginning.

In the future, I would like to be someone who is able to articulate her ideas to others more easily. Someone who is able to communicate to others what is her ideas or intentions easily, without the awkward pauses, scrambling to gather words to describe her thoughts.

I would like to be an artist who is confident in her quality of her work. An artist who is willing to put in effort in her work, practicing regularly to hone her artistic skills, able to draw anything from her imagination.

I would like to be a strong believer in Christ. A believer who have a strongly grounded relationship with God and her savior Jesus Christ, and is able to share and guide others who shows interest in Christ.

I would like to be a unique game developer. A game developer who is excited about exploring the potential of a game as a unique medium, and creates an interesting game to reflect that.

I would like to be a strong storyteller. A storyteller who regularly writes either creative journal post or intriguing stories, experimenting with various mediums be it art, writing or videography to share stories to others.

I would like to be a person of strong health. A healthy person who can eat healthily swims well and is able to have a comfortable weight and body figure.

I would like to be a person with strong financial stability. A person who is able to pay for her stuff without having to pose a financial burden to others.

Finally, I would like to be someone who is confident and believes in herself. Someone who is able to stand in front of others, confidently sharing her works, beliefs, and thoughts without fear.

As a 22-year-old millennial still trying to become who I wanted to be while struggling to navigate the dark uncertainties of the future; 

Here's a simple post to kickstart my new beginnings of a long journey.